Commensurate with my station in life, I look like an old horse. On which day of your life were you the most you? People who are familiar with me say I have too many teeth. It’s better for everyone concerned that I keep them to myself. I mean, generally speaking, do bears automatically bear witness or do they do it with malice of forethought? Fortunately, I can lift my body weight in cotton candy, so there’s no need to play a lot of feel-good music. As a matter of fact, yesterday, as I was sunning myself by the plunge pool—you know, the one next to the lake of fire—I realized that if it hadn’t been for that fireproof lifeguard, things would have turned out even worse than they did. The last thing I remember him saying is, You better not make me come in there and drag you out, to which I cheerfully inquired, Is that your final offer?
