Never have I ever
Enjoyed mini golf
That’s what it says on my Hinge dating profile. That’s what it said on my Hinge profile.
The one I made around the time this epidemic slipped into a pandemic into #QuarantineAndChill #StayHomeStaySafe, and #PandemicPissingContestAnxietyDepressionFaceButMakeItFashion.
I have nothing against dating apps. They’re fun little toys that can help you feel like a person again. You flirt with clever strangers without having to cover your drink. They insist you have beautiful eyes, while you Lol at their dog pics, while sitting in bed eating ramen out of a bag.
Never have I ever
Enter your answer here
I have three of these short-answer chances to hook the reader. 150 characters each. 450 characters to digitally wrangle a tall, dark, acceptably cocky, young George Clooney. At least for Round 1. He better know how to read.
Hinge suggests: Been to IKEA
150 characters. I stare into my phone screen like an empty fridge.
Pickles and cheese. Crusty cream cheese. Never have I ever dipped three-year-old pickles in crusty cream cheese to avoid drinking questionable half-milk cause there’s nothing else lounging around these stark, OJ-stained shelves.
But I came pretty close once.
This is such a dumb question to answer because it matters and doesn’t. It’s dating app small talk, meant to spark the most interesting conversations, or at least serve up enough back and forth for me to tell whether or not Stranger Danger Man:
- Believes in intersectional feminism
- Understands that Brown Sugar Pop Tart is the only Pop Tart
- Would inject himself with bleach to fast pass his way out of Quarantine
I say Stranger Danger Man like I have a type. I do. Please know what words are and how to read. That’s a deal-breaker.
Also, own toothpaste.
Mostly, please notice and kiss me hard when I get one eyeliner line to match the other? Cause that shit took math and patience, artistry and forearm strength, all before my second cup of coffee this morning. And I still had time to shit like a lady before you woke up and brush the cat hair off your corduroy pants.
So kiss me hard, George Clooney untype who’s looking more like skater college kid the more I swipe.
With a Goddamn sexy lisp of course. Christian Bale singing “Sante Fe” on a New York fire escape in Newsies lisp. KENNY ORTEGA YOU’RE A GODDAMN TUB OF CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE DOUGH ICE CREAM.
So why mini golf? Because it’s boring as hell.
Never have I ever
Enjoyed mini golf
Here are some responses:
Mustache Guy: I’m gonna guess you’re bad at mini golf
Me: I’m gonna guess you don’t get a lot of dates
Truck Guy: WHAT’S WITH THE STRONG STANCE AGAINST MINIGOLF???!
Me:
Truck Guy: LIKE WHAT OTHER SPORTS DO YOU HATE???!!!
Me: Probably anything you like
Beardy: What about golf?
Me: What about golf?
Beardy:
Me:
Almost College Kid: hey so then what wud you do on a first date if i can’t take you minigolf …lol…just wanna make sure i don’t offend you if you consider yourself a feminist i have nothing against that lol hit me up if you wanna go see a movie sum time :):):)
Me: Hey there. FYI, there are some free tutoring apps through your local library. Also, I think LeVar Burton reads books out loud online sometimes
I don’t hate mini golf. I said I never enjoyed it. Which means I have tried it more than once. Can we talk about something that matters?
Like the global rise of mass extinctions, or immigration politics, or even how your 93 year-old Grandma sent you $36 for your birthday last month cause that’s how old you are? And she will continue to add a dollar each year and only sign her name at the bottom because it’s what she does!
I would have written, “Never have I ever had an abortion.” But I think that’s just as interesting as not having a tattoo. Doesn’t mean it won’t happen.
There are at least 5,643,226 more interesting things to do and talk about in the world besides mini golf. Especially on a first date with a cute stranger. When you’re still taunted by the sweet mysterious game of Ooh, can’t wait to see what he might do before Hole 3. Kill me or kiss me? Better text my sister now, just in case.
Fine, grab your corn dog on the way out. And your bucket-size Coke with the good ice. We’ll take my car since your bicycle only fits one person.
I’ll drive us to the beach. You can carry my shoes and I’ll throw my keys in your back pocket. It’s fine if you lose them in the sand. As long as you help me look for them cause that’s romantic if it’s not raining. Let’s grab some wine at Wawa cause I’m too damn tired to look up anything else right now. Besides, I’m driving. It’s dangerous.
Let’s talk about things we’ll never get answers to and get drunk enough to forget most of the night anyway. Nothing has to happen. In fact, I hope it doesn’t. No games, no plotlines. Just two of us wasting a little bit of the only thing we both actually have. Let’s just fuckin go.
