I am at the mall, arranging my real-life game of tic-tac-toe where I use people instead of pads and pencil scratches, where my X’s are actual ex-es and my O’s are harder because O could mean zero like I wouldn’t date you in a million, or ooooh as in oh man, you really send me, and in the end, who cares because I’m dying anyway with this big lump of stuff in my lungs and really no one needs to know, and never mind that the doctor said it’s just congestion, but what the hell does he know, and I have invited Julie, my best best to play with me, and lord, that was a stupid choice because she has always scooped up my ex-es, and sometimes when I wasn’t even done with them, and Julie doesn’t know about my lung stuff and I didn’t tell her when we were on the phone last night and she asked about all the coughing and said I should go check that out and all I could do was talk about this game of human tic tac toe, and so here we are and we begin and I place Larry T (an X or ex) top left square and he is the same jerk he always was, complaining about why he isn’t in the center because after all, he is the king and I tell him this isn’t checkers and he makes that same stupid face he always made when I didn’t like the movie he loved and how he wanted a girl who would love the same movies because who else but him is entitled to an opinion, and then Julie places Greg M in the center and I know that means she has her eye on him and that’s okay, because he is really a zero, what with his broken down Subaru and Save the Whales, and I’m starting to feel the chill of the fake mall air, AC even in winter, and I want to scream out “hey everyone, I’m dying over here!” only I don’t, of course, because I really want to win and I place Howard L on the left just below Larry, and Julie jumps in and tells me how Howard is her ex, too, and then she yells “Yahtzee” and I tell her that’s not the game, and I inhale as much as I can and I cough right in her smug little face but she just shakes it off and says again, you really should check that out and I tell her to shut the hell up, just like I said to my doctor, only I did it in my head, and I tell her to just play and she puts Scotty B bottom left square and he is definitely an oooooh, in fact, after this I will probably ask him to coffee or lunch or wherever his kind of guy goes on a date and I look over to see Julie eyeing Scotty in the same way I am, and that’s when I decide to forfeit or fold only this isn’t poker, and I let Julie win and grab Scotty for myself, but that’s when Julie walks right up to Scotty and asks him to walk her over to Victoria’s Secret (wink wink) and I tell her she’s not my best best anymore and hey, you know I’m dying, right, and she’s says she doesn’t know that at all, and maybe if I get it checked out and show her some proof she might believe me, and why is this stupid game all about me anyway, and anyway, she has a coffee date to go on, chanting “checkmate” as she whisks Scotty right off the board.
