I was feeling dreadful about my body and I was poor, too. I worked at a CVS Pharmacy but I had Target-sized dreams. I once made the mistake of saying that to my manager who was all, This is the end of the road for me career-wise, so you can shove your big dreams down an Ultra Fantasy Ruby Red Monster Energy Drink for all I care. He did actually say that.
I figured the best way to reach my dreams was to hit it big on social media, and to do that I first needed to get into shape. The amount of money I had was pennies but I did do some asking around about a trainer. I want a real psycho, I told people, I want to be camera ready in six weeks. Finally an ex of mine told me about a guy named Meat Sweats. I hate him, she shrugged, but you said you wanted somebody crazy.
When I texted him, he typed back GO FOR MEAT SWEATS, and when I told him I wanted a personal trainer, he said YOUR WHOLE LIFE ABOUT TO CHANG (sic). Meat Sweats and I met in front of the CVS after my shift the next day, but my boss rushed out the door looking like he wanted to murder Meat Sweats and he said, Get your muscley ass out of here, I told you if you came back here again I’ll call the police. When we went to the boxing gym down the road, the guy with the biggest neck I’ve ever seen, other than Meat Sweats, runs out going Oh no you’re not coming back here not after what you did last time.
The same thing happened every day. We couldn’t enter any local gyms because Meat Sweats had been banned from all of them. When he had me doing jumping jacks and push-ups at the park, we were run off by a man who let his dog off the leash to get at us. We couldn’t go to his apartment to train because Meat Sweats was no longer allowed to have visitors, and when we tried to train at my place my neighbor yelled at Meat Sweats to leave because she had a rifle under the bed with a bullet that had his name on it.
My schedule began to take firm shape. In the mornings I’d train with Meat Sweats, and afternoons were for learning how to be an influencer, which meant practicing how to stand, how to pose, how to talk, how to do makeup. It was a time intensive process but I was starting to get the hang of it. I’d send pictures and videos to Meat Sweats for feedback, because by this point we were becoming something like friends, and he’d type back YOUR A STR (sic). I’d work the graveyard shift at CVS and I wanted to ask my boss what exactly his beef was with Meat Sweats but I’d worry a question like that would get me fired once and for all, which couldn’t happen because then I’d have no way to pay for my training.
When I asked Meat Sweats why he was banned from so many establishments he said it was all misunderstanding and lies and wickedness. He really said that, “wickedness.” He said the only person around here who understood him was me. Eventually we found a three-by-five patch of sidewalk on the outskirts of town where nobody bothered us or threatened to shoot Meat Sweats. It was there Meat Sweats ran me through my warm-ups, both of us making sure I was careful not to take a step anywhere I wasn’t allowed.
