Me: Let’s talk about how it all started.
Myself: How what started?
And I: Ha! The pickpocketing.
Me: Yes, can we talk through that?
Myself: Yeah, that’s fine I guess. I don’t get how it’s all that fascinating, or worth its own essay, but we can.
And I: It’s cause you were poor, just admit it.
Me: We were poor?
Myself: No, no. Come on. We were working class. Well, our dad was working class. He was working non-stop. He supported all three of us. And our mom. And Shannon.
And I: Yeah, but by then Shannon was supporting herself. I mean, she started off in that shithole BBQ place off US1, and before you know it she’s selling medical malpractice insurance.
Me: This isn’t about her, but nice try. So you’re a pickpocketer?
Myself: I WAS. I did for a while.
And I: Like FOUR YEARS a while. You down play all the shit you’ve done.
Me: How did you learn?
Myself: Ha, easy. Stealing my highschool sweetheart’s pager and cell phone to check up on him.
And I: Why do they call it that, “highschool sweetheart”?
Me: Why do the call it masochism?
And I: It started off with stealing his shit, and before you knew it I was stealing $50 to $100 bucks from guys in clubs and bars.
Me: Only from guys?
Myself: Yeah. I would never steal from another woman. Plus, my targets were men that had already targeted me.
And I: You know the type. They walk by with that Pi Kappa Phi swagger, and next thing you know you’re assaulted and they’re cocking a shit eating grin.
Me: I know him. We All know them.
Myself: Yeah, so uhh, there I was being publicly molested with the rest of the female population at any given club or bar and I just figured, “Well, if you think it’s cool to grab me, then I think it’s cool to rob you.” Next thing I know four years passed and I was so good I could slip all the contents of a wallet into my back pocket, all the while the owner was asking for my number and had no clue.
And I: It’s a diversion, a smoke screen, a scam.
Me: It worked?
Myself: Every time.
And I: Never been caught.
Me: What made you stop?
Myself: Haha. The United States government.
And I: Yeah, they gave me a Top Secret Security Clearance, so I figured I should clean up my act.